It’s a familiar experience for many. Someone shares something meaningful in a conversation, and within milliseconds, the person they’re talking to has pivoted the discussion back to themselves. The pattern repeats itself over and over again, leaving the other person feeling unheard, drained or quietly frustrated. There’s actually a term for this phenomenon: conversational narcissism.

“Conversational narcissism is a communication pattern where someone consistently pulls the focus of the conversation back to themselves,” Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in couples and family therapy, told HuffPost. “It often shows up as not really listening, interrupting or ‘one-upping’ ― where whatever you share is quickly met with a more extreme or more compelling version of their own experience. Over time, the conversation stops feeling like an exchange and starts to feel one-sided.”

Perhaps you asked someone about their work, family, relationships, life experiences, but they didn’t ask you any similar questions. “Or they ask but as soon as you start to speak you get the sense they aren’t really paying attention or aren’t really interested,” Ross explained. “Or they agree and seem to be supportive, but it quickly turns into an example from their own life.”

Although “conversational narcissism” may feel like a familiar affliction, keep in mind that it is not a clinical diagnosis. It’s also important to note that being a conversational narcissist does not automatically mean that someone has narcissistic personality disorder.

“We tend to skip to calling people narcissists these days and it creates more division and writing people off versus getting curious about their behavior and seeking ways to collaborate,” said Natalie Moore, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “There are many reasons someone may be ― or seem like ― a conversational narcissist.”

If this sounds familiar, there are some underlying factors that may be helpful to understand. Below are some of the most common reasons that could explain why some people act this way.

“For many people, conversational narcissism comes from insecurity, anxiety or a deeper sense of inadequacy,” Ross said. “Bringing the focus back to themselves can be a way of managing discomfort and insecurity or trying to feel more relevant or valued in the interaction.”

There might be an element of social anxiety as well.

“If social situations make you anxious, then only talking about things you’re familiar with can be a way to reduce anxiety over not knowing what to say,” said Chelsey Brook Cole, a psychotherapist and author of “If Only I’d Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.”

Dominating the conversation might feel safer than navigating the unpredictability and awkward pacing of genuine exchange.

“Someone with social anxiety, may struggle with reciprocal conversations, especially with people they don’t know well or in high-pressure situations,” Moore said. “With social anxiety, oftentimes the person feels uncomfortable with silences or pauses in the conversation so they may ‘fill space’ with random thoughts or stories. As they’re likely to default to things that are familiar or interesting to them, this could appear as conversational narcissism.”

The way we learn to communicate as children has a big impact on adulthood as well.

“If talking loudly or rapidly was the only way to be heard growing up, they might have developed this type of communication pattern as an attempt to be seen and respected,” Cole said.

Lauren Maher, a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in anxiety, trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery, explained that this dynamic can cut both ways.

“Oftentimes children that came from families where ‘children are meant to be seen and not heard’ ― or conversely, where they had to be more loud or aggressive to be heard ― will find that they aren’t sure when they should or shouldn’t speak in conversations and find that nuances that seem obvious to others are not clear to them,” she said. “They may try to bring the conversation back to themselves as a point of connection or as a way to bond.”

For others, it’s simply a learned behavior that was part of their family culture.

“Growing up in families where people had to compete to be heard, or where listening wasn’t modeled or valued,” Ross said. “Simply put, they don’t understand how to just listen and be present for someone else’s experience. What looks like self-focus may actually be a habit formed over time that takes conscious work to unlearn.”

Sometimes conversational narcissism isn’t driven by anxiety or childhood wounds. It’s just a blind spot.

“Some people are genuinely unaware that they are monopolizing a conversation,” Cole said. “With time and effort, they can learn to stop engaging in conversational narcissism.”

“Some people genuinely believe that sharing their own experience is a form of empathy,” Ross added. “They’re trying to connect, but it lands as redirecting and hijacking the conversation. The key is that the behavior exists on a spectrum, and the underlying reasons can vary.”

Not all behavior that looks like conversational narcissism comes from self-centeredness. Some of it reflects genuine neurological differences in how people process social cues and communication rhythms.

“The field of psychology is currently exploding with new understanding of neurodivergence,” Moore explained. “One area of divergence from the ‘norm’ is communication styles. Autistic and ADHD individuals often have differences in attention regulation, executive functioning and information processing, as well as in how they interpret and respond to social cues and perspectives. This can look like conversational narcissism from the outside, when it’s actually someone trying to connect by sharing something meaningful or relevant from their own experience.”

ADHD in particular can make conversations feel fast and challenging to navigate.

“A person with ADHD may struggle with focus and find that their mind is moving quickly in conversations, which could cause them to interject or change the direction of the conversation,” Maher said. “It’s important to remember not to make assumptions about someone’s motives right away.”

While conversational narcissism often has more benign roots, it can also reflect a bigger issue.

“In some cases it can reflect a more entrenched narcissistic style, where there is a real lack of interest in others,” Ross said.

A conversational narcissist may also be an actual narcissist who strongly needs recognition and attention from others.

“A personality structure of narcissism can be a driving force for this kind of behavior,” Cole said. “Narcissists are selfish, entitled, grandiose, and exploitative, so conversational narcissism allows them to focus on the only thing they really care about: themselves.”

Maher noted that there are specific red flags suggesting you’re dealing with more than a communication habit.

“If you notice that a person displays traits of conversational narcissism that are also paired with contempt, dismissiveness, grandiosity or self-aggrandizing behavior, then you may be dealing with someone who is indeed narcissistic,” she said. “When confronted with their behavior, they are likely to become defensive, irritable, blame you for bringing it up or criticize you for not being empathetic.”

While other people might respond to your feedback about their communication styles and make adjustments, someone with NPD is unlikely to have this reaction.

“If this behavior is coming from a fundamentally narcissistic person, no amount of trying to solve this will make it better,” Cole said. “As with any narcissist, less is more. The less energy you give them, the more you maintain your energy and sanity.”

“The reality is that narcissists don’t use conversations as opportunities for connection ― they use them as opportunities for control,” she added. “So once you recognize that someone isn’t interested in having a balanced conversation, doesn’t listen when you speak, and is only invested in the conversation when it serves them… slow down, step back, and look for the exit.”

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