Hi, I’m Dave, author of all those articles your aunt sent you that you may or may not have clicked on.These include: the most-read post in BuzzFeed history, this ode to grocery store music, the new and improved high school GED test, and this stunning exposé.

Note to self: stay away from those bald eagles.

And no one one EARTH can stop you from exclusively bathing in it.

In case you ever need to cheat on a corn maze.

According to u/mossling, "My step-dad has a type of bladder cancer that is treated by pumping his bladder full of tuberculosis. The TB makes his bladder shed its lining, and the cancer along with it. It also means he's spraying tuberculosis everywhere every time he pees for a week or so after treatment. There are very strict instructions on how he has to use the bathroom and sanitize it after each use so that he doesn't give my mom TB."

Be honest... you thought about taking a bite of it, right?

I'm guessing now it must be AT LEAST $26.

It's basically the mid-point between half and half and whole milk.

Like a human baby... just slightly more terrifying.

Real big! Shout out to my ostritch readers.

Can you tell which is which? I'll tell you. The fatty tuna is on the right.

Note to self: do not trifle with tigers.

Unless you want to end up in the hospital or with a mouth full o' bugs.

Little factoid for all my Bahrain heads out there. I see you, big dogs.

You grab some olive oil and some balsamic vinegar to dip that thing in and you're golden.

Honestly, looks really good. I love the slop.

Friendship ended with "what is this, a [blank] for ants?" "What are these, pills for cows?" Is my new best friend.

Smaller than I would have thought but, unfortunately for this python, you'll have to miss me with that.

Feel free to pull this image up in your next "Yo Mama" debate on the playground.