“Under no circumstances do you say the word ’porch’.”

"Why? Sometimes you learn things the hard way.

I briefly had a roommate. He had a bedroom on the second floor and the kitchen is on the first floor. At some point, he developed mobility issues and became a weird, sneaky mole man who never left his room. He had a microwave in there, and started cooking and storing his groceries in there. Sure, he could have come downstairs and used the kitchen, but no.

Side note - Whenever I was home, he would turn off all his lights, turn off the television, and just sit in his room in complete darkness and silence. He also never had any trash. He was taking it somewhere mysterious. He would even leave his rent check in the bathroom. Mole man.

Anyway, since he was doing all the cooking in his room and didn't want to go down the stairs, he started washing his dishes in the bathroom – rinsing in the toilet and washing in the tub. There were always bits of tomatoes left in the bathtub.

You can't put tomatoes in the bathtub drain. Those drains aren't for that. 

I talked to him about it. I argued with him about it. I wrote a formal landlord letter documenting my no-tomatoes-in-the-bathtub policy, but nothing stuck."

"People who walk in, talk about shit I don't care about, and then leave doors open when they leave are just the worst."

"It started as a joke response to an overflowing Tupperware cabinet, but has turned into an all-purpose rule. Open the dryer? Now you’ve got to fold. Open the pantry and cause an avalanche? You get the idea.

Yeah, we do all have ADHD, thanks for noticing.”