Hi, I’m Dave, author of all those articles your aunt sent you that you may or may not have clicked on.These include: the most-read post in BuzzFeed history, this ode to grocery store music, the new and improved high school GED test, and this stunning exposé.

Whoa, Zach! Save some beard for the rest of us, playboy.

We gotta bring back the morbs. We gotta.

The painting, "Salvator Mundi," sold for $450 million in 2017. There's also some controversy as to how much Leo had to do with it, but that's for another post.

It's apparently used to "tow small ships and deploy underwater fences." Folks, do we stan the tiny little ship?

This is like something you'd see in a dream.

This is the most important thing you'll learn all day.

It's actually the name for a baby ocelot! Just playin' — it's a type of drug.

Can only imagine the epic water balloon fights at the ol' condom factory.

You know, if you're ever so inclined to inspect your pasta instead of eating it. 

The largest that we know of, that is. It's located in Namibia.

Would love to rent this out for $850 a month.

I don't see any way that this doesn't end in a disastrous mess. Sound off on how you'd clean this disastrous mess in the comments!