“They smell worse than you can possibly imagine.”

"They have some fish eagles there that will absolutely rip you apart given the opportunity. Every other enclosure is fine, but if you get sent into the fish eagles, you’d better treat it like a military operation.

The keepers there say they’re like the velociraptors from Jurassic Park. They have to go in in groups of three or more. One to actually do the job and two more to keep eyes on the birds. Two isn’t enough because they’d split up and cause a distraction while the other attacked.

"I love them, but the smell is not worth the cuteness for me.

Pair the ultra-fast metabolism of a creature that eats 25% of its body mass in raw fish every day with super powered ferret-like scent glands, and you get an animal that's really efficient at turning fish into goopy piles of fish-gut-anal-gland-poo-goo and spreading it everywhere to help mark its territory."

"Especially the chimps. Forget the fact that they are terrifyingly strong and dangerous. They just let the piss and shit rip at any time, anywhere (you’d think an animal that intelligent would at least move away from its resting spot before taking a hot dump, but nooo). They reek like the strongest human B.O. you could imagine. There’s a major risk of zoonosis because they are so closely related to us. They are on the short list of animals I would never apply to work with. They are fun to watch… from far away."

"He said that the black-footed cat is a vicious little demon. When they clean its enclosure, the cats are kept in a holding cage, and they spend the entire time throwing themselves against the door, trying to murder the keepers. The tigers might hurt you by accident because they're so big, but the teeny little black-footed cats know they are nature's perfect killing machines and will take any chance to remind you."

"A lot of people don’t know the difference between the larger primates and their temperaments, so they assume they can be ‘gentle giants’ à la gorilla or orangutan. No, they suck. Hamadryas baboon society is built on violence, and we frequently come in to find they’ve beaten the crap out of each other overnight. They threaten you and visitors through the glass, not to mention the smell, lol!"

"Koalas are surprisingly annoying. The males are loud, super stinky, and the smell stays on you for ages. They're super finicky, stupid, and particular. They literally will starve if you just hand them the only leaves they eat (eucalyptus). The branches need to be lashed to the pole they climb on so they recognise them as food; otherwise, they will literally starve to death. Their poo is super rancid too.

Also, you can literally catch chlamydia from them.

Their claws frigging hurt. And they will just climb on you like you're a tree.

But they are soft. And they will nap on you, which is cute for, like, two minutes, but, man, they are heavy.

Also, not very surprisingly, but a special mention goes to the saltwater crocodile, Goliath. He was about five metres long. He had a specialised tank. It needed five keepers to clean his tank/enclosure. Three to manoeuvre him (with poles; you hold them near him and he will lash out and snap at them, and will follow the poles) to one side of the enclosure. Then they have to keep him there and get out, one at a time (without being bitten in half or losing an arm), and they put the (surprisingly flimsy) fence up between the sections. Then two keepers clean the tank/enclosure as fast as humanly possible while one keeper keeps the literal dinosaur from mauling them to death. Then they get out ASAP, remove the fence, and go change their pants (lol).

They only ever cleaned one side at a time, and it was about every two weeks.

The lead keeper was missing a few fingers. On the plus side, I got to keep some of his teeth (they lose them constantly, and they collect them when they clean).

My unlikely favourite was a red-tailed cockatoo. Super sweet, loved to sit on your shoulder and play with your ears (loved earrings), and was surprisingly gentle and affectionate."

"The smell of their poo is just horrendous. Sometimes I’d be gagging while picking it up. Their diet of raw meat causes this. I will gladly clean up any other poo. I heard similar sentiments about the bears.

Also, there was a hornbill in the giraffe yard. It was actually the worst animal I’ve ever met. Pure, total evil. It would follow me around and sneak up on me and peck at my arse (have you seen those beaks) as I was cleaning. So, okay, I’ll walk sideways or backwards, right? To keep an eye on it? It would stay a bit further back, but if you look away for a second, now you have a baseball-sized bruise on your thigh."

"To balance things out with a little positivity, I love my gorillas. They are such an absolute joy to take care of. They are like a bunch of five-year-olds that weigh 400 lbs, but they have so much personality. Even when they aren't listening, I love them.

I also love our chimps. I absolutely understand why people don't want to work with them. They are loud, will feign injuries to get you close to mess with you, spit water at you, and throw poo, but they are amazing animals and are so creative and have more personality than almost any other animal I've met. They are all so unique in a way that's hard to explain.

Literally, smaller monkey species are a nightmare, though. They are so fast and cunning; if they don't have great training, it can be impossible to get them to cooperate, with the exception of species like the pygmy marmosets and saki monkeys. They are just all vibes.

Shout out to lemurs, though. They just want to eat and sunbathe. Love those guys."

"Just throwing an animal species in here that is less fun, not because they are crazy, aggressive, or dirty, but because they are just so easily scared, and you wouldn’t expect it. Drumroll... it’s the cinereous vulture.

These birds are huge, have strong beaks, and rip apart carcasses in the wild. But in the zoo, they are scared of everything. If we introduce a new food item, they will not eat it. If you dare to cut the plants, they will cower in a corner. Honestly, it’s actually kind of funny and cute. But it can be a challenge to care for them and give them variety. Neophobia is their middle name."

Little shits would wait for keepers to be in grabbing range while feeding them/cleaning enclosures to swing down and grab our hair, radios, phones, etc.

Trying to get them to take their medicine was a whole ordeal because they would pick the pill out and throw it back to me because they knew I’d have to try again with more food.

They screamed louder than sirens at 5:30 in the morning.

There is a reason I took the transfer to the aviary department out of the primate division (even if penguins are also little bastards, at least they only bite and don’t grab you)."

"Hedgehogs are little assholes. They look all cute, and they're hugely popular among the public here in the UK, but they're demons.

Not only do they curl into a ball and make it impossible to do anything, but they huff, hiss, and twitch, jerking their spines towards you in an effort to impale you. And as if that wasn't enough, they bite too. And when they bite, they latch on and curl into a ball, taking your fingers with them. They then won't let go for 15 minutes.

I worked in the nurseries one year. Pretty much all baby animals start out as your best friend; it's only when they get older that they become wild. Baby hedgehogs are the same, but each group has one asshole who was just born different. From the time it's a little pink jellybean, it hates you and everyone you love. You try and give it milk, it puffs up and hisses at you. They will starve themselves to death just to spite God.

They're also disgusting. Most other animals that pass through the emergency room, you can't really tell they've been there unless they're gushing blood all over the floor. But hedgehogs? All they have to do is touch a surface, and that surface is disgusting.

And I once saw a hedgehog swimming in its food bowl. Not sitting in it, straight-up paddling.

"I have my college degree in physical anthropology. I was so damn excited to work with any primate, so when I was out with orangutans, I was thrilled. That lasted about one day. Females are highly competitive and see human females as a threat. I was immediately peed and pooed on. No thanks."

Additional thumbnail credits: 20th Century Fox