“In an act I can only describe as self-hatred, I brought my hands up like two little paws, bared my front teeth, and made some jerky squirrel movements.”

"He asked if I was feeling peckish, which was a sweet joke and I probably should have just laughed. But for reasons I will never understand, I did two terrible things. Firstly, I said in a sort of ‘CBeebies’ voice, ‘I’m a little squirrel storing up all my nuts for the winter.’ 

He looked horrified, so in an act I can only describe as self-hatred, I brought my hands up like two little paws, bared my front teeth, and made some jerky squirrel movements. I don’t remember how the date ended. Trauma has erased it from my memory."

"Met some girls in town, they said, ‘Come to a party on Saturday night.’

I was young, inexperienced, and had read somewhere that when you're getting on well with a girl and you want to take it to the next level, wink at her and she'll understand.

Went to the party, got nowhere with the girls – despite me thinking they were into me.

Thought nothing more of it until I heard from a friend of a friend that the girl who'd invited me was really into me, until she thought I'd got something in my eye, as I was manically, repeatedly winking at her...

"I blew half a glass of Pernod and blackcurrant down my nose all over his white shirt! I was super nervous because it was a lad I'd had a crush on for absolutely ages. He ordered a Pernod and black and I didn't really drink so didn't know what to order so just said 'I'll have the same'. 

I took a big 'nerves settling' gulp of my drink just as he said something quite funny, and I laughed and the Pernod hit the back of my throat at the same time, and I turned into a human fountain and sprayed it out of my nose all over him. Funnily enough I never got a second date with him!"