Hi, I’m Dave, author of all those articles your aunt sent you that you may or may not have clicked on.These include: the most-read post in BuzzFeed history, this ode to grocery store music, the new and improved high school GED test, and this stunning exposé.

Finding Nemo lied to us! Or, actually, it told the truth.

If you shine a light on an Ohio license, William Howard Taft should get stuck in a bathtub.

Read more about how this image was made here.

Real big! Shout out to my ostritch readers.

I knew Old Blue Eyes was a tootsie roll enthusiast. 

Where would you rather move: the Moon or Australia?

What do you say we get the popcorn going, pour a little wine, and wait 3-5 business days for Patch Adams to arrive.

That arrow is pointing to Pyongyang, the capital of North Korea.

Lemme get the uh... pigs feet and orange juice.

Popes: they were once young! Who'da thunk it.

Specifically, this is what it looked like during the filming of the Seinfeld reunion episode during Season 7 of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Looks like the next water bottle TikTok is going to convince half the world to buy.

Over 30% of Earth is covered in that salty spew.

Quiz: Which Version Of English From The Last 1000 Years Are You?

Do not attempt to adjust your phone's settings.

So if you were thinking of throwing hands with a chimp, think again.

Please share your score in the comments.

They apparently have more of a "honey" taste. I've seen them at Wegman's... but have not tried.

Like a human baby... just slightly more terrifying.

You couldn't even swan dive into a pool filled with that much money. Sad.

Specifically a French angelfish who had some buoyancy issues. The fish is all better now!

Definitely some valuable advice in there.

It's "The Wedding at Cana" by Paolo Veronese. Which do you prefer?

Call me when it's the world's largest Icebreak Wintergreen mint.

I'm sure the mood in that room if very calm.

A bunch of these homes are still standing. Check them out here.

I think it costs $100,000 if you stub your toe today.

Not naming any names, but it reminds me of a certain Viking's poop.

The untouched marble is on the left, and the touched marble on the right.

I would hesitate to call that giant thing a "spot." It's disrespectful to Big Jupey.

Some legit money will too, depending on where it's been.

It's called Malo kingi, aka the "common kingslayer," a jellyfish that's one of the most venomous animals on the planet. It is named after an American tourist, Robert King, who died after being stung by the animal.

Specially the Russian Orlan suit. Looks comfortable and not horrifying at all!

Think of all the treasures that the bottom of those seats hold. Magnificent. 

And if you look closely, you'll see it also had DLC in the form of orange, beet, apple, and pepper.

Imagine chompin' into that sucker. It would be amazing.

A little over a dollar a Beatle. Great deal.

Or what my legs look like after walking up three flights of stairs.

Just when you thought you could get away with every crime ever.

Little factoid for all my Bahrain heads out there. I see you, big dogs.

Corn on pizza is one of the most harrowing things I've ever seen.

This makes me feel very relaxed. Just kidding.

Now you have officially seen everything.

You have to be a master cheater to conquer this.

This is kind of what it feels like to sink a putt over four feet.

Shoutout to the Little Magician and his Dutch prowess.

Imagine this in the world's largest sandbox. Wow.

Can you tell which is which? I'll tell you. The fatty tuna is on the right.

You grab some olive oil and some balsamic vinegar to dip that thing in and you're golden.

Like the ground got struck by lightning.