“I felt a surge of pressure and proceeded to ejaculate onto the glove compartment door.”

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"On the ceiling (somehow), on the floor, the toilet was covered, the walls, and even the sink got hit with some spray. Shit was literally—yes, literally—sprayed on all the walls and the ceiling. It was everywhere. I felt like a new kid after that. Cleaned myself up the best I could and then had to figure out what to do. There was no way I could clean it all up. I needed a janitor. 

So I walked out and politely told a nurse the bathroom needed a cleanup and badly. A janitor was only a few rooms down for some reason, so I saw him go by to clean it. But he did not know who I was. He got to the bathroom, and the whole ER heard, "Oh hell no, I ain't cleaning this up. I quit." And he did. I felt so bad. Still do. I made some poor janitor quit his job over a shit-caked bathroom."

"I was somewhat sleep-deprived at the time, and she knew this, so since she had her camp driving clearance and knew the way to urgent care, she offered to drive, and I accepted. The camp was in the middle of nowhere, so the ride to urgent care was pretty long. 

During that time, I fell asleep. I woke up with my dick hard as a rock and the head of it poking out of the leg of my shorts. Before I was able to get my bearings, I felt a surge of pressure and proceeded to ejaculate onto the glove compartment door. Immediately, I heard a shriek and one of the girls yell, "Oh God! Holy shit, no!" I turned and looked at both of them. They had obviously seen what happened, and both of their faces were beet red. 

The car was absolutely silent for the next 10 minutes apart from the sound of me attempting to wipe up my semen with an old McDonald's bag. 

Finally, we reached urgent care, and I dropped them off. After talking with the girl who drove the next day, I learned that I had apparently been hard for about 10 minutes. Both of them were fully aware of it, but both were too embarrassed to wake me up. That was the worst."

"The plot thickens. We went fishing, caught a few fish, headed home, filleted them, and cooked them into what truly looked like a gourmet meal. My wife took a picture of the fish with the phone. It was late now, the day was over, and my wife was off to bed. I decided to stay up and play some video games on the PC. 

Before she went to bed, she was uploading pictures to Facebook—fishing photos, the meal, etc. The first image she uploaded was my nude photo, thinking it was the prepared fish fillets. It was now titled: "Dinner, Yum!!!" My wife couldn't figure out how to delete the accidental post on the new phone. She came screaming through the house to the computer room where I was, forcefully kicked me off the computer, and showed me what had happened. 

To my amazement, there I was, nude on Facebook, with two comments already posted. Post deleted. Mission success... wrong. The post had been deleted, but the mobile-uploaded photo remained in the album. Needless to say, about 13 hours later, after finding more comments ranging from praise to family disgust, we realized what had actually happened."

"So when he "let 'er rip," it was not a bubble of gas he was releasing so much as a torrent of bile and fecal matter in the form of a geyser. From five feet away, at eye level, he unleashed a 24-pack's worth of shit and hosed the girls. While the first escaped with little damage, the other two girls took direct hits. Vomiting, screaming, and crying ensued among many spectators."

"Being tired, I apathetically put my head back down to sleep, only to be jolted awake seconds later by the realization that it was me! I fucking farted myself awake! I mean, I had felt my desk vibrate! Needless to say, that was the last time I ever flirted with either the blonde or the redhead (who probably got a pretty good idea of what my asshole smelled like) or anyone who was in that class for that matter."

"Eventually, she asked me, "So how did she catch you?" I said, "Um, excuse me?" She replied, "Your mom caught you masturbating, didn't she?" I was suddenly so overcome with embarrassment that I began to sweat profusely and vomit. Vomited lots and lots."

"I said this quite emphatically and confidently, by the way. The whole auditorium became deathly silent at this point. No one laughed, no one murmured. I think it was because people were so confused and flabbergasted that there was really nothing anyone could say or do. 

The actress had this look on her face for a good five seconds before she said, "No, that's not... right. But why don'tcha come up here and dance with us?!?" I was very reluctant to, but if you have, like, 500 people waiting on your move, there's not much you can do. As I'm walking toward the stage (again, deathly silent), my older sister, probably in junior high at this point, screams, "YEAH WOOOOO GO PMANLY YEAHHHH!" It didn't make things much better. 

I get to the stage. The music starts, and the actress starts square dancing with me, along with about 10 other cast members. After about 10 seconds, I had a "NOPE" moment and literally ran off the stage, through the side doors, and all the way home (it wasn't too far, maybe a mile away). I'm in college now, and although I think absolutely no one remembers it, I will forever."

"Supply and demand 101. Anyway, we eventually settled on some exchange of tits for dick, and he delivered first. 

And just as I was lifting up my shirt, my godfather (who was also my English teacher and the middle school headmaster) rounded the corner into the common lounge where we were hanging out and commented, "Ah, summer spirit. The birds, the bees, and my goddaughter's naked titties. A little flat, but you've got some time ahead of you yet. Please give my regards to your father." I don't know, there was just something about the delivery. So deliberate, yet aloof. Also, the burning shame. ;_;"

"Up popped a scene from the video on the screen in front of her grandmother, the little kids in the family, her mom, everyone. Her dad just said, "God damn satellite," and tried turning it off with the remote. 

I waited a second, probably a little too long (I could not move from shock), and shamefully got up and walked over to the VCR to turn it off. Her dad said, "Wait, was that yours?" Embarrassed as hell, I said, "Yep." Everyone laughed, and she was so pissed, but I ended up being with her for three years, so it must not have bothered him too much. Also, her family, other than her parents, were evangelicals. They judged me from that point on, and I can't really blame them, lol."

"The ball cannoned into my love spuds at an incredible rate. The first sensation was an intense stinging feeling, like a hornet had stung my knob. This quickly gave way to the most intense nausea I have ever experienced. I projectile-vomited everywhere, all the while screaming. While this was going on, I remember my friend saying in a panicked voice, "WHAT HAVE I DONE? He's never going to be able to have kids."

At some point, one of my mates called an ambulance, and it arrived fairly soon afterward. To add to an already fairly humiliating situation, there was a very pretty 18-year-old girl who was riding around with the ambulance for work experience. I have a clear memory of her scrunching up her face as the EMT examined my swollen member.

I was taken to the hospital, and the humiliation continued as a female doctor poked and prodded me, trying to assess the damage. She eventually concluded that everything was where it should be, but she fired one final shot to compound my embarrassment: within earshot of my parents, she instructed me to masturbate as soon as possible and to tell them if there were any difficulties or "unusual discharge."

I completed this task the following night, and fortunately, everything was fine—aside from the fact that it simultaneously hurt like hell and felt great."

"The male nurse took one look, winced, then left and came right back in with a male doctor (it was the quickest service I'd ever received at the ER). The doctor's reaction was more controlled, but his face twitched when he first saw it. They kept leaving and bringing in more staff. 

None of them did any doctoring; they just came, looked, reacted, shot an appraising glance at my fiancée (who couldn't stop laughing), and then went to get someone else. None of them told me who they were. I swear some of them didn't even have nametags or anything. Eventually, they told me I'd burst a blood vessel. They gave me a note to stay home from work for three days and told me to stay in bed and keep my penis—I shit you not—iced and elevated. 

This was in the summer, and the next day was especially beautiful. I spent it lying on my back in bed, wearing just a wife-beater, with an ice pack between my chilled testicles and my frosty wang (thus keeping it elevated). Around eleven, I took off the ice pack, pulled on the thinnest, gentlest cotton pajama pants I owned, and went out to the porch for a smoke. 

The neighbors in the next apartment were over on their side of the porch, and I went over to say hi. They were a young married couple—both 18—with a cute baby. They were usually very nice and friendly, but this time the husband looked upset and wouldn't meet my eye. His wife just stared at the ground with a beet-red face. I figured I'd interrupted a fight or something, so I excused myself and went back to my side of the porch. Then I noticed it—the thin fabric of the pajamas was draped over my plainly visible dong. 

You could see the bulk of it hanging there, you could see the massive veins running over the shaft, and you could even see the curved lip of my fist-sized glans. We lived next to that couple for another year. The guy was always curt with me, and that poor young woman could never look me in the face again. That wasn't the worst of it, though. When I went back to work, I found out that the doctor had written the diagnosis on the work note he'd given me. The way I found out was when someone gave me a get-well-soon card made out to my dick."

"As I turned and wiped the vanilla milkshake from my chin with the back of my right hand, I extended my left hand to get the food. I was surprised to find a look of shock and bewilderment on the girl's face, and as I took the food bag, I saw one of her coworkers pointing at me and screaming, "Did you see that shit??!! Did you see that?!" I grabbed the food, and as we drove off, my friend Arielle started laughing hysterically. Brian and I had not picked up on what had just transpired, but she informed us when she said: "THEY THOUGHT YOU WERE SUCKING HIS DICK!!!!!""

Text has been edited for length and clarity.