It’s a common experience. You’re venting to a friend about a rough week at work, and suddenly they jump in with a story about their own boss, their own drama, their own week. You feel like you’re listening instead of being heard.

According to communication expert and life coach Hailey Magee, this experience can reveal a classic mismatch between two distinct conversation styles ― “the maintainer” vs. “the builder.” And it may also be a quietly painful source of friction in relationships.

“When we expect others to communicate exactly as we do, it’s easy to assume that they’re being inconsiderate or uncaring when their communication diverges from our expectations,” Magee told HuffPost. “When two people with conflicting communication styles come together, they often misinterpret the other’s behavior negatively.”

But understanding these contrasts can transform how you relate to the people around you. Below, Magee breaks down the difference between maintainers and builders, and how to navigate conversations where they clash.

“Maintainers benefit conversations by creating the space to focus on one person’s experience without the sharer feeling rushed or interrupted,” she said. “Conversations with maintainers can feel calm, focused and attentive. Maintainers’ presence and focus may give others a sense of permission to dive deep into their feelings in a way that feels therapeutic.”

But with those upsides come potential issues as well, especially when these two types of communicators interact.

For builders, a conversation with a maintainer may feel boring and leaving them wanting the other person to inject more color.

When two people with conflicting communication styles come together, they often misinterpret the other’s behavior negatively.

“Common communication habits ― like asking questions, making requests and self-referential sharing ― mean vastly different things to different people,” Magee explained. “To some, for example, asking questions feels caring and curious; to others, it feels invasive and demanding.”

That’s why it’s important to be mindful of these variations as you interact with people.

“Bringing an attitude of curiosity and openly discussing our communication differences has radically improved the level of connection in my relationships,” Magee said. “Now, I don’t assume that others show care the way I show care. I don’t assume that others will automatically know my communication needs without being told. And I don’t tell myself a ‘story’ about what their communication style means until we’ve talked about it explicitly.”

She emphasized that no one communication style is “right” or “wrong,” but these differences can lead to misunderstandings. That’s why she encourages people to talk about their styles with loved ones and colleagues.

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