Ellen: How was the party? I wasn’t invited.

Dakota: Actually, no, that’s not the truth Ellen. You were invited. Last time I was on the show, last year, you gave me a bunch of shit about not inviting you, but I didn’t know you wanted to be invited.

Ellen: Well who doesn’t want to be invited to a party?

Dakota: Well I didn’t even know you liked me.

Ellen: Of course I like you. You knew I liked you…

Dakota: But I did invite you and you didn’t come.

Ellen: This time you invited me? Are you sure?

Ellen: How do you know? I don’t think so.

Dakota: Ask everybody. Ask Jonathan, your producer…

Dakota: Aren’t you supposed to let people talk on this show?

Jimmy: If I had your email or your phone number I would have called you a gazillion times...

Rami: You have my email and phone number. 

Jimmy: That’s true, but I decided to not call you. 

Martin: This is the greatest show on television because there is no host in late night that pretends to care the way you do.

Martin: I mean, no on captures phoniness the way you do. It’s a gift...

Martin, later: I think it's so brave of you, five years in, to decide suddenly to abandon the comedy format. It's shaking her up. 

Steve: Actually, Marty and I learned from your show. We were backstage watching the monologue and we realized, wow, he must put the laughs in later.

Abby: He's a smart guy, and he's a perfect Fox News host.

Sunny: Is he a perfect Secretary of Defense?

Abby: For one, I would say the memes, the cartoons and the moving memes, have got to stop. It’s really — there are people that are dying. That are losing their lives.

Sunny: Do you think he's qualified to be the Secretary of Defense?

Abby: I don’t hope for the demise of this country or the people who are in charge right now, so I pray for the best. I am very concerned because the way they are playing this game —

Sunny: But do you think he's qualified to be the Secretary of Defense?

Abby: — the way they are playing this game right now is like checkers. When the rest of the world is playing chess…

Sunny: It sounds like you don't think he's qualified to be the Secretary of Defense.

Abby: You know what, I’m very concerned…

Sunny: So are you saying that Pete Hegseth is not qualified?

Sunny: Pete Hegseth, respectfully who is unqualified for his job. 

Abby: I'm not here defending – by the way, I don't think Pete is qualified for the job.

Savannah: What's so hard for me to witness is people stating that the president is a racist because I’ve seen them firsthand — 

Savannah: — one of my best friend's lives, a Black woman who has been with him for 18 years.

Sunny: So he has a Black friend? He's a racist.

Whoopi: Here’s the problem, Savannah, and why we have a different take on it, many of us have a different take on it. Because when you target DEI programs with executive office — with executive orders — your first week in office, arguing that the policies undermine national unity, you know, when you shared racist posts about the Obamas, when you pursued the death penalty for the Exonerated Five — after you knew they had been exonerated — these are the reasons his behavior is so hard and I don’t know whether you know about this, but in the ‘70s he was accused of discriminating against Black tenants because he wouldn’t rent to them.

Whoopi: No, that was a proven fact. They took him to court.

Kelly: If you kick every Latino out of this country, then who is going to be cleaning your toilet, Donald Trump?

Rosie: Oh, that’s not…Latinos are not the only people doing that. 

Kelly: No, I didn’t mean it like that, come on. I would never mean it like that.

Jimmy: The last time you were here, I don’t know if you remember, it was right after you’d opened your big studio in Atlanta.

Tyler: Yeah, that you didn’t come to, the big party I had… I remember, I’m still scarred from it. You said you would send me a gift and I still don’t have the gift…

Jimmy: I apologize for that, I don’t know what I was doing… oh, COVID, I think COVID was happening.

Jimmy: I figured it must have been intended for Jimmy Fallon or something… why would I be invited to your party?

Tyler: Well, it said Jimmy Kimmel and I did a special video to you, saying please come, so I don’t know how you could have gotten that mistaken. 

Tyler: And now you’re remembering why you haven’t invited me back since then.

David: How many times have you been in rehab?

David: How will this time be different? What are they rehabbing, first of all? What is on their list…

Lindsay: We didn’t discuss this in the pre-interview, just saying…

David: Is it alcohol? Do you drink too much?

Lindsay: We’ve discussed this in the past…

Lindsay: We’re here for a movie…let’s stay on the positive. Come on now…

Cher, later: I thought that I would never want to do this show with you.

David: Now, why? Let’s explore this a little. Why? Because you thought I was a —

David: …I knew you probably felt that way.

Cher: Because I told the guy on your show.

Madonna: Incidentally, you are a sick fuck. I don’t know why I get so much shit. 

David later, asking a question: ...Is that an untrue rumor? 

Madonna: Isn’t that an oxymoron, an untrue rumor?

Madonna: "Untrue rumor." That’s like "funny David Letterman."

Madonna, later: Money’s made you soft… you just kiss up to everybody on your show now.

Madonna, later: You do irritate me sometimes… you are always fucking with me on the show.  

David: ...There's something wrong with her. She can't be stopped.

Madonna: There's definitely something wrong with me. I'm sitting here. 

Katie: Your private parts are different now aren’t they?

Carmen: I don’t want to talk about it because it’s really personal. I’d rather talk about my modeling stuff…there’s more to trans people [than their genitals].

She went on: "There’s a young woman named Islan Nettles who on August 17 was just walking down the street with some friends, minding her own business, and she was catcalled by a couple of guys and once they realized she was trans, she was beaten into a coma and five days later she died. This is the reality of so many trans people's lives in this country, trans women of color, whose lives are in danger simply for being who they are, and we’re looking for justice for Islan’s murder, and we’re looking for justice for so many trans people across this country, and by focusing on bodies we don’t focus on the lived realities of that oppression and that discrimination."

Michael: You are, in quotes, a “serious actress”—

Helen: In quotes? What do you mean in quotes?

Michael: Well because of the kind of cliché that people say, “serious actress” as opposed to an unserious actress. Do you find in fact that what could best be described as your equipment in fact hinders you in that pursuits?

Helen: I’d like you to explain what you mean by my equipment. In great detail.

Michael: Well, your physical attributes.

Helen: Because serious actresses can’t have big bosoms, is that what you mean?

Michael: Well I think that they might sort of detract from the performance, if you know what I mean.

Helen: I can’t think that can necessarily be true. What a crummy performance if people are obsessed with the size of your bosom or anything else. I would hope that the performance and the play and the living relationship between all the people onstage and all the people in the audience overcome such boring questions, really.